16 April 2010

Words that refuse to be written


My brain is working already but I refuse to open my eyes and commit to the day until my alarm goes off. The flood of ideas begins as it does every morning. Sometimes it is things I would like to make or places I could go to compose a photo, but mostly it’s ideas for writing and I’m already mourning those that will never be written.

Some stories are able to be jotted down in skeletal form and revisited later to be built and nurtured into existence. Some are just topics that may turn into any number of possibilities, but there are others that I know will never exist outside of my mind in this moment in my sheets. Those are the ones I am sad about.

When these ideas come to life, they are in full colour and I can see the actions happening as if I am there. I may feel calm or my heart may race depending on what’s happening, or I may even feel the emotion of the situation and wonder if tears will well up. Sadly I know that these words are so perfect that I will not be able to recreate them with my fingers along the keyboard. They are asking to be enjoyed now.

There is no time to get a computer or even paper. To do that would be to interrupt the story and lose the ending forever. Computers have to power up, which takes an eternity when you want to get something down. And to start to write would be to distract my brain with details such as crispness of paper, graphite against white, or curly lettering that encourages my mind to drift towards images of feathers or dog tails.

I thought I’d come to a conclusion that I am meant to be writing this stuff down. After all these years of writing for myself and suffering somewhat ill-fitting careers I finally had the epiphany that this is what I was meant to be doing. The words have been trying to tell me this, but I haven’t listened until now. Now I am listening. I’ve shifted my entire life’s vantage point and have given up a regular income. All these sacrifices have felt so right, so why wouldn’t all of the words want to be written? What is the purpose of these stories that refuse to let me reproduce them? Is it the brain still dreaming from the previous night? Is it just processing and filing thoughts and the format just happens to be beautiful? Is this my brain’s way of saying, “Don’t get too cocky! You don’t get to show everyone the best stuff, you know.” ? Perhaps they are only gifts intended for me. How wonderful a notion.

I won’t be dissuaded. I’ll continue on with writing those things that want to be written. I feel rewarded by those good little stories that comply with the physical conventions of my life. Should I mourn the others? I somehow feel there is a different lesson to learn from those, but I haven’t found out what it is yet.

11 comments:

Shiela said...

What a great post - speaks to the heart of the creative mind.

Tricia said...

It's an amazing journey you're on and I'm so happy for you that you were able to take the leap of faith!!! Sometimes, I think, those stubborn, hiding words are just creating their own time frame to better help nurture an idea, digest a concept and give birth to new articulation. At least that's how I humor myself when the words refuse to be written.

Mike said...

Woah, truer words have hardly ever been written. Are you sure we're not from the same family tree?

Eileen said...

Lovely. And you know, some stories just remain unwritten, but you'll never know which ones until it's all over. And it's a long way from over right now!

shantiwallah said...

Thank you, everyone. It's great to know so many feel the same way.

julie said...

Definitely get this. And I love the photo.

NISHANT NISCHAL said...

Beautifully written. Come see my flowers. :-)

niamh said...

The most important part is that you're on the journey! It's so great that you're writing full-time now. Brave!

Ann said...

You have described my experiences with words. I struggle with should I grab the pen and paper, and lose these wonderful words in hopes of remembering them. I am very rarely able to hold them.

I like your assessment to this dilemma. Just savour the words, and accept some have no wish to be written. How very Zen!

shantiwallah said...

Thank you for all of your comments and your personal takes on this. Let's agree to contact each other if one of us finds the answer!

CherylK said...

That is just a beautiful post...it pulled me into it and tugged at my emotions. I can just imagine how "freeing" this is for you. It actually inspires me, too, so thank you for this.